My esteemed housemates. I have some unfortunate news to report. It seems like our ongoing experiment to see if the dishes would actually wash themselves has ended and ultimately failed. Due to my apparent bad memory/departure from the habit of placing my dishes in my room / lack of superpowers that allow me to determine the last user of said dish, I decided that the best approach would be to wash all and start things with a clean slate. Given my tendency to frequently make elaborate gourmet dinners, I can only assume that most dishes were mine anyway. There is no need to concern yourself over any minuscule number of dishes that you may have contributed; your time is of undoubtedly greater value than my own. I’m sure you were all chomping at the bit to do your few dishes and I just happened to beat you to it. I also have great confidence that the little time it would have taken you to do your dishes were spent doing much more meaningful and important things such as playing a game of Yoshi’s Island, watching an episode of Prison Break, or perhaps reading some clever quips from FHM. If there is anything else I can do to compensate for the enormous mess I cause in this house, please do not hesitate to tell me. Eric

P.S. I have been losing sleep over the state of free, accessible space in your sink. Due to the precarious nature of the situation, I feel that an immediate course of action is necessary. So from this moment on, I will be removing any dirty dishes and depositing them to the floor or other appropriate location in the house, may the sanctity of the sink prevail !

P.P.S Mention my dishes tome again, and I will kill you in your sleep. XOXO

P.P.P.S How’s that for an intestine, Benson ?

TLDNR